Just keep up the good work, ladies.
What are? What are you?
Hey.
Are you?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
What's going on?
- This is Joy. - I'm Joy. Hi.
- Good for you. - Adam?
And this is Lisa.
You are such an overachiever.
Thank you.
No, we don't need her. Make her leave.
No. You leave.
Are you trying to get rid of us?
You look like a pumpkin, bitch!
- This is amazing. - Oh, you make... Hey!
OK. I got this.
I got this. You just... calm down.
But we don't look anything like pumpkins.
I know. She probably forgot to take her meds.
You know, for your own safety, you'd better get your stuff and go.
Thanks.
Watch out, though. She could be anywhere.
She's quick. Like a puma.
You're so mean!
Ring, ring! It's the pumpkin patch! They want their pumpkins back!
- We're not pumpkins! - We're ladies!
But you're so orange.
Hey, someone call Charlie Brown!
We found the Great Pumpkin!
Ow! Don't! Don't!
You're crazy.
I felt like Flavor Flav.
- I can't believe you chose those girls. - Are you jealous?
Don't do that. Don't just disappear like that on me.
- You told me to. - You shouldn't listen to me.
Fine, I won't.
- Did you smell my hair? - No.
- What did you want to talk to me about? - Wait. Just hang out here.
Right here?
Oh, man.
Surprise!
Happy birthday!
As the days of the year roll by
There's one that brings a tear to a daddy's eye
'Cause I'm so happy
To be your pappy
Today and I'll tell you why
It's your birthday
Baby boy
- It's your birthday - Birthday
Birthday boy
- Happy birthday, happy birthday - Hap... py!
- Happy birthday, happy birthday - Birth... day!
Happy birthday
To you
Everybody!
Happy birthday
To you!
Blow it out! Blow it out! Oh, Adam, happy birthday.
- We're so proud of you. - Make a wish.
Guys, you get a five-minute warning.
- OK? - No, he's ten-one.
I already texted him.
- So, all is forgiven? - No. Nothing is forgiven.
Adam, don't you think it's been weird for me, too?
Knowing that... my own son had sex with my girlfriend?
But I got over it. You should, too.
Excuse me! Can I have your autograph, please?
- Mine, too, please. - Certainly.
Listen, let me take you to a nice birthday dinner tonight.
You, me and Vanessa. We have something we want to talk to you about.
- Something? - Yeah.
- Like what? - Just something important, OK?
- Please don't do this. - 8:30, STK.
All right? Be there. Bring anyone you want, all right?
- Bye, everyone. Thank you. - Oh, thank you so much for coming.
It's been an honor.
- Great Scott! - Bravo! Bravo!
What the fuck?
- What happened? - Oh, my.
Are you OK? Are you OK? What happened?
- Give me that! - That's my phone!
Fuck you, Chuck! You're very talented, but fuck you!
Can we get a medic, please?
Try to use it as little as possible.
- No sports or working out for a while. - Dr. Metzner?
Adam, what's going on? What happened?
He sprained his wrist punching a wall.
You texted me that you were dying.
It really hurt.
I gave him some hydrocodone for the night. It's a very strong painkiller.
You might want to have Dr. Kurtzman here drive you home.
And here is a prescription for an anti-inflammatory.
Don't worry. You're in good hands.
Your girlfriend here is a very talented doctor.
No. No, I'm... I'm not his girlfriend.
She is not my girlfriend.
Oh, sorry. I saw that he listed you as an emergency contact.
My mistake. Feel better.
Oh, by the way, I enjoyed your dad's TV show.
Great Scott. That's funny stuff.
I'll tell him you said that.
My dad invited me to dinner,
and he's bringing Vanessa.
- You have to come. - No, I don't.
I just worked 14 hours. I'm not gonna meet your parents.
You know what? Just help me.
These are really powerful painkillers. I can't feel anything.
Feel that?
Yeah. I felt that.
Happy birthday, Adam.
I'm so glad you guys could join us for dinner.
Cheers. I'll come right back to take your order.
So, how you doing there, kiddo?
Perfect, Dad. Thank you for asking.
How long have you two been together?
Oh, we're not.
- We're sex friends. - Yeah. Yes, we are.
Yeah, friends with benefits? Fuck buddies?
Great Scott!
I know this might be hard, but just because I'm your ex-girlfriend
doesn't mean that you can't look at me as a kind of... mum?
- Oh, boy. - Especially because, well,
Alvin and I have been talking about creating new life together.
You see, we were at Burning Man.
- And we were dressed up. - Yeah. I was dressed as a fire bird.
And what were you dressed as?
I was naked. And we were just out there in the desert,
and he was burying my bare body in the sand.
Yeah. Pecking at it with my... fire beak.
And then I just thought,
you know, what if all these grains of sand,
were actually babies?
- And so we... - We had this wonderful idea.
And we... well, we'd like your blessing, Adam.
How do you feel about the two of us having a baby together?
Adam.
This isn't really my place. I mean, who am I?
I just have sex with your son sometimes.
- But... - Yes, she does.
But... there is really no reason
for you to bring a child into this world,
since you're acting like children already.
- That was really mean. - Yeah.
I'm mean. But you're fucking crazy.
'Cause given the choice between Adam and his dad,
given the choice between Adam and anyone, really,
I'd choose Adam, every time.
- Do you want to get out of here? - Yep.
Fuck this.
Oh, by the way...
...it's the best sex of my life.
Great Scott!
I have to say, this is probably the best birthday dinner ever.
I wanted to make it special.
Yeah? Where's the cake?
That comes later, baby.
- Hey. - What?
Thank you for what you did back at the restaurant.
Go on a date with me.
You're heavily sedated.
Come on, it's... it's one date. Just do it.
Why? So I can wear makeup and act perfect all night?
Yeah.
I'll pick you up, and we can talk about our favorite books
and our favorite TV shows.
I'll pay for everything, and you can reward me
with an over-the-jeans cock rub.
Like a real date.
- Is that really what you want? - This Friday.
This Friday is Valentine's Day.
- Yeah. - No.
Go big or go home. There'll be hearts,
and maybe some flowers.
One date.
Fine.
- What? - I'll go on a date with you.
- I thought that's what you said. - But no flowers, OK?
You look amazing.
Thank you.
- You said no flowers. - That's pretty cute.
Yeah, I'm pretty good at this.
Thank you.
I've had a really tough day, so, I just won't...
I promise. It's about to get better.
- I made you a Valentine's Day card. - What?
It's perfect.
Can you read it for me? Is that weird?
"You give me premature ventricular contractions."
- I'm assuming that's a good thing? - You make my heart skip a beat.
- Don't make fun of me. - Wow.
- So, you ready for tonight? - Yeah.
I'm glad to see you.
- Are you excited? - Yeah.
- Louder! - Yeah!
- So excited!
- Here's our itinerary. - You made me an itinerary?
Yeah, we got a lot to do. We got to make up for lost time.
Google Maps. Nice.
OK, full disclosure:
I have played before,
and I might be kind of good.
- This is pretty. - It is pretty.
- But this... it's just gonna be fun. - OK.
Ladies first.
OK. Don't expect too much.
Nice and easy.
- Yeah. I stuck it in. - Wow.
Well, this hole's a little bit more complicated.
You're gonna have to bank it off there. It's all about the geometry.
I'm a doctor.
That hole is my bitch!
Yes! Yes!
Yeah!
Thank you.
I don't get my own milkshake?
No, it's one milkshake, two straws. That's what makes it special.
But I'm so hungry.
We have dinner later. Didn't you read the itinerary?
You're gonna get more shake, you have a bigger mouth.
You have a pretty big mouth. Oh, easy.
Hey! That's cheating.
Sorry.
Thanks.
I really like you.
I actually think that...
...I'm falling...
You can have the rest.
How do they change these lightbulbs?
Must be a nightmare.
- Adam? - Oh, here. You want your coat?
- I can take that. - You cold?
I can't do this. Could you please take me back to work?
No. No, that's not the deal.
The deal is that we're gonna walk around,
and we're gonna look at the twinkly lights, and then...
Why are you messing everything up?
That's what people do, Emma.
They buy each other flowers, and they go to museums...
You know me. This stuff freaks me out.
It's fake.
What's wrong with what we're doing? It's working. We don't have to fight...
- Maybe I want to fight. - Yeah, well, I don't.
What are you gonna do? You're never gonna feel anything?
How you gonna do that?
I don't know. I'll figure it out.
- You're so messed up. - Yeah?
I don't need you to take care of me. I take care of myself.
That's what I do.
Why don't you go find some other girl who's not gonna hurt you?
Because I love you.
It's obvious. I completely love you. There.
Oh, yeah. You're such a wimp.
- I am not a wimp. - Well, then be with me!
OK, you're gonna fight me. Yeah? Is that what you're gonna?
You can't fight me, you're miniature. You're like a girl Rick Moranis.
You fight like a hamster.
Hey. Hey!
Excuse me! Excuse me! You can't do that here.
OK. I'm sorry.
All right, you're out!
I can't keep doing this.
I'm not gonna see you again.
I know.
That makes sense.
Bye.
- Hey, you OK? - Yeah. I'm fine, thanks.
- You wanna go get a coffee? - No, thanks.
You're a really good cook.
Oh, this? I just threw it together.
Oh, shit.
Oh, hey, Adam!
Adam. Hello!
Lucy.
Yeah, we were just having a romantic night
when your friend stopped by from work.
Usually I spend Valentine's Day catching up on work and stuff,
but this is like, this is really fun.
How was your night?
Yeah, it wasn't.
Do you want to go to my room?
Yes, I do. Perfect.
Sorry, gotta go. So sorry.
Oh, you know what? I need a napkin. Can I just borrow this one?
Sorry. Just... quick. Thank you. Beautiful.
So, I'm really excited to talk to you.
I hope it's OK that I got your address from the W-4.
- Is that weird? OK. - No.
Oh, wow. This is cool. This is a cool space.
- Thanks. - Cozy.
I didn't know that... I'm sorry about everything.
What? Oh, my God. You're sorry? Are you crazy?
No, I'm sorry. I'm the one who's come to your house uninvited.
So unprofessional. But I read your script.
- And I love it. I really do. - Really?
Yeah, and honestly, like, I didn't think that you could write,
mainly 'cause you're just... so beautiful.
- Seriously, it's distracting for me. - Thank you. For reading it.
Yeah.
I mean, it's just teenagers singing about homework.
Yeah, yeah, but no, I read it and I was like,
"God, I want to, like, drive over there and tell him in person."
So I did. I got in my car, and here I am.
You know, it's just... I know, it sounds crazy,
'cause now that I'm saying it out loud, it does sound crazy.
It's not crazy. I mean, thank you for reading it.
No, no, no. I e-mailed it to Megan, and...
- No shit? - Yeah.
- And we'll see what she says. - Wow.
Yeah, I told her she'd be crazy to not like it.
But then again, she is a functioning psychotic, so it's like, who knows?
But there is this extra episode right before the break.
And they are gonna hire a freelancer, so...
I feel like I'm talking too much about this, but...
- Hey, do you wanna? - What?
Yeah, sorry. What were you gonna?
Just to hang out.
Oh. That's crazy. I was like, "What's he gonna say?"
And then you said that. It's not what I thought you were gonna say.
That is a chair.
Fuck, yeah.
Do I curse too much?
Fuck, no.
Dr. Anseed, three-two-five-one. Dr. Anseed...
- Hey. ...three-two-five-one.
Can I say something?
And don't take this the wrong way,
because you know I'll be your friend, no matter what.
It's just, you've been kind of depressing to be around lately,
and I might start avoiding you in the hallway, that's all.
Just thought you should know.
So, we won't be there for the rehearsal dinner,
but we'll definitely be there for the wedding on Saturday.
Well, what are you doing tonight?
Adam's episode is taping tonight, so Eli wanted to go.
- I don't have to go. - No. No, go. Have fun, really.
Doctors.
So?
Don't worry about it. I'll see you Saturday.
- He's an amazing lover. - Oh, boy.
That's...
...why they call him Bones.
You know, I worry about you sometimes.
Why? Is this about me not having a date?
No, no. I know you can dance alone, and I know that you'll be fine.
You're always fine.
- So? - I don't know.
When we lost your father, I couldn't stand to see you in pain,
and... I think you knew that.
And I think that... you got good at being strong for me.
But I'm telling you, be hurt.
I can take it.
The world can take it.
OK.
Very pretty here.
So come by the bar. Great place.
Bring your friends. I will take care of you.
Here's my business card. I'm the owner. Me.
- So make sure you come by. - Yeah.
All right? Hey. Great job.
- Yeah, great job, man. - Really good, yeah.
- You guys liked it? Like really? - Yeah.
- But Wallace cried. - So?
It reminded me of my senior prom.
I got a hand job on the dance floor to "Who Let The Dogs Out."
Hey. Sorry. OK, so there's good news, bad news.
The bad news is, Megan is remarkably drunk.
Seriously, she was, like, trying to take her shirt off.
But the good news is, she wants to put you on staff.
- Really? - So... Yeah.
- That's amazing. - Yeah, so she... Yeah.
- Thank you. - So, you're a paid writer.
Yeah.
Oh, my God. She's getting on the buffet table? That makes...
Wow.
Why are you not trying to fuck that girl?
Yeah.
Yeah, she's crazy hot, Adam. She's like a sexy scientist.
You need to go over there, man up, you need to go for it.
We're counting on you here, man. Man up, man!
- Go for it! Man up! - You keep saying "Man up."
- You cried during the show. - I liked the show.
Yeah.
- It was very good. - It was OK.
You know, I have to... One minute.
Katie?
The bridesmaids had pot.
Oh, my God, I'm so hungry.
Are you OK?
I'm fine, I just... You know, I just...
Oh, God, I just love Kevin.
I just love Kevin so much, you know?
- I know you think it's stupid. - No. No, I don't.
- You don't? - No.
I can't stop thinking about him.
Who? Adam?
Yeah. I know it's over, and I'm looking.
It's just no one is as...
- Tall? - He's so tall.
- So tall... - And he's so, like...
- Happy? - Annoyingly happy, all the time.
But he has this...
He has the best heart.
- Call him. - What? No.
I can't just call him.
I'm too stoned. Don't argue with me.
He doesn't want me to call him.
I'm the bride. You have to do what I say.
- We haven't talked in months. - I'm the bride, it's my day.
It's my day!
Hey, Adam!
Oh, God.
You're so dope. Did you know that about yourself?
Mama needs to get a cab home, so...
- Yeah. - Shoot, I left my phone in my office...
I got it, I got it. Hang on. Here.
- Do you want to call and just? - Yeah.
What are you doing?
Chuck! Chuck! Will you please fuck off? Please?
- I don't want to go. - Yeah, all right.
I don't want to go home.
- I don't want to go home. - Who is it?
"Do Not Call Her" is calling. Do you want to take it?
I want your face.
Hello?
Hi.
It's Emma. Kurtzman.
From Camp Weehawken.
Yes... What is it?
So, my sister is getting married in Santa Barbara tomorrow, and...
I don't know. I heard your show is tonight. Congratulations.
Thank you.
I know this is random. I just...
I miss you. I miss you so much.
OK.
I don't know what to say.
You're... You're calling me because you're at your sister's wedding,
and she looks happy, and...
...everyone is happy, and you're not.
I thought... I don't know what I thought. I just...
I... I guess I wanted to hear your voice.
- I mean, I know we broke up, but... - Emma.
We didn't break up. We never started.
I gotta go. I'm still at work, so...
Have fun at the wedding, and tell your sister congratulations.
Bye.
Oh, fuck.
I have to...
- Go. - Now.
- Hey. Can I? - Hey. Of course.
Is everything OK? Are you?
Yeah.
- Yeah. Yes. - Yeah. Good.
- This is amazing. - Yeah.
Thank you for this. This...
- What? - This was all you.
- What? No, I mean... - No, I'm not here without you.
That's... That's not true. It's all you.
It's all you. This was all you.
Hey, wait! If you don't make it back for my wedding, I'll kill you.
Bye. Drive safe.
No, but that was you, and it felt poignant
that, of course, the song was "It Was You."
- When Benji and Sari did the kiss... - They committed to it.
That's what hit. Do you think they could remix the song?
How drunk was Megan? She tried to hump my leg.
You have no idea, the stories that I could tell you.
- No, she really tried to like mount it. - Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I got it.
Ornery thing.
Hey. How'd it go? Did you find him?
Yeah. He was with... with a girl. It was his girlfriend.
And I was in a bush.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Crap.
- Are you still there? - Yeah.
OK, get in your car and drive away.
And how much money do you have on you?
Like ten bucks.
OK. The box of 50 doughnut holes is $5.79.
You're gonna need two boxes.
I lost him.
- I'm so sorry. - Yeah.
- I love you. - I know.
So, then when I was, like, 11, I was in therapy
because I was, like, obsessively biting my hair,
and then three months in, my therapist died.
- I know, so that was kind of a bummer. - Whoa.
But, yeah. That's why I hate planes.
Thanks.
- So, that's that story. - Cheers.
Thank you.
- I'm so sorry. - No...
- That was such a fail on my part. - It's OK...
- Wait, let me... - It's fine.
We can... I can do better than that.
- Can we try again? - Sure. Mulligan.
- Let's... Why don't we? - OK.
All right.
Oh, my God. This is happening. Is this really happening?
Oh, my God. You're touching me. This is so happening.
Maybe we don't need to talk about everything.
Oh. OK, great. OK. Cool.
Wait. Are you sure that you want to do this, though?
Yes. Yeah.
OK, 'cause, like, we can just talk about it, if you want...
- Let's not talk about it. - Oh, OK. OK.
Wait. Should I take my shirt off, or do you want to...
Do you want to take it off yourself?
- I'll take it off. - You know what? I'll take it off.
OK.
Glad I wore a good bra.
Is that your phone? Do you wanna?
We'll just ignore it.
You can just get it.
No, it's fine.
- Is it "Do Not Call Her"? - No.
I don't know.
Wait. I'll just...
- OK. - I'll just shut it off.
Yeah, just... That'll be easier, switch...
- Sorry. - Yeah.
Vanessa?
- I'm coming. - You're what?
It's my dad. There's an emergency. He's in the hospital.
Oh, my God. OK. Do you want me to go with you?
- No, I'm OK. - OK.
- Can I call you later? - Yeah. No, I'll get a cab.
I'll, like, find my way home. Go. Yeah.
Keep, keep bleedin' love
Keep bleedin' I keep, keep bleedin'
Hey. Where is he? What happened?
OK.
Don't freak out, OK?
Your dad overdosed on cough syrup.
- He what? - The Purple Drank.
"The Purple Drank"?
It's Seven-Up, cough syrup and a Jolly Rancher.
Why would he do that, Vanessa?
Because he loves Lil Wayne, OK?
You don't know everything about your dad.
Why are you making him listen to Lil Wayne?
- You should be taking care of him. - I can't do this. I can't do it.
You know, I didn't think that it was gonna be so...
I don't want to have kids. I... I just... I want to have fun.
- He's so old. - Yeah. He's getting older.
And you're gonna have to deal with that.
Adam... old people scare me.
Let's just go see him, OK?
No, no, no. I can't. I can't. Adam, I can't. I've gotta go.
My friend, she's having a party. I'm already so late.
Will you just take Freckles?
Don't take this the wrong way, but you're a terrible person.
Just take Freckles.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, kiddo.
- I had a bad trip on The Drank. - Yeah, I heard.
If anybody asks, this is a Seeing Eye dog.
- Where's? - She went home.
Right.
I really don't like the Little Wayne. Can't understand what he's saying.
You know who I wish was here right now?
Your mom.
Yeah. Well, you left her, so...
Why?
When you're married and you do blow...
...try to stay away from women who want to fuck you.
Even ugly women.
Blow is blind, Adam. Blow is blind.
You're an asshole.
But you're not.
You got a good heart, Adam. Try to keep it.
Where's that girl, Emma? You guys still together?
- We were never together. - Oh, that's right. Friends...
Sex friends... I'm old. I don't know what you call it.
You liked her.
She drives me crazy.
I'm 58 years old. I've been married three times.
Twice.
OK.
I've got six pictures of my cock on my phone,
and two of someone else's,
and I'm still pretty high on the cough syrup,
so you can take this with a grain of salt, but...
...we don't pick who we fall in love with.
And it never happens like it should.
Yes.
I may have to kill this dog. I just haven't decided how.
Get some sleep, Dad.
I'll call you in the morning.
He'll call in the morning.
Isn't that something?
Am I boring you?
Oh, good.
Adam!
Hey. You can't call me and tell me that you miss me.
I don't want to have that conversation on the phone.
So you can't text me and you can't e-mail me,
and you can't... write on my wall.
Like, if you really miss me, you need to grow up
and get in your car and come and see me.
I'm here.
How did... How did you know that?
Shira texted me about your dad, so I came here.
You got...
How is your dad?
- He's OK. - Good.
- I know I can't just call you. - No. You can't.
I know. I hurt you. I'm sorry.
I don't know why I wasted so much time pretending I didn't care.
I guess I just didn't want to feel like this.
It hurts.
But I love you. I'm totally and completely in love with you,
and I don't care if you think it's too late, I'm telling you anyway.
- Will you please say something? - Wait.
You should know...
...if you come any closer,
I'm not letting you go.
- I love you. - That's good.
You want to go with me to this stupid thing?
Your sister's wedding thing?
How long do we have till we have to be there?
A couple hours.
- What do you want to do? - Something crazy.
Now I know why you never wanted to have breakfast with me.
What?
You eat like a baby dinosaur. You don't even chew.
Do you think you can get used to it?
Yeah, I think so.
Good. I was hoping we could do this a lot more.
Really? You know, I was thinking...
We're gonna have to come up with some new rules.
I'd like to start calling you "honey" and "babe."
- I don't know about "babe." - No?
- Snuggling? - Oh, yeah.
- I'm gonna hold your hand. - Wow. This is all moving so fast.
Also, I'd like to leave the door open when I pee.
I think no.
I think I'm gonna do it all the time. It's gonna get weird.
- Thank God we're on time. - Yeah.
So what happens now?
- Adam should be here any minute. - Good, 'cause I'm starving.
So, you've told him about us.
- No, not yet. - What?
I thought I'd wait till he got here.
- And that's a good idea? - Yeah, it'll be fine.
So, to Burning Man?
- Was that fun, or what? - So fun.
Dad!
Eli!
This is her! This is Patrice!
Hi, it's so nice to see you again.
- We love you already! - Come on, family hug!
Shira, I feel like there are parts of me that I haven't explored yet.
And I'm feeling like I want to see other people.
Oh, I thought... This is embarrassing.
I have been seeing other people, Sam.
- You have? - Yeah, a lot of other people.
How many?
I don't know, man. I mean,
two that I can think of off the top of my head, but...
- You remember when I went to Cabo? - Yeah.
- I was a very bad girl on that trip. - You're kidding me?
You're doing great.
Keep pushing.
Oh, God.
I've got the ice chips, honey. Here you go.
Oh, I hate you, you dumb fuck! Get the fuck out...
- You eat the fucking ice chips! - I love you so much.
Come on. It's OK.